How do you handle it when your husband asks, "Is your boyfriend coming for supper?"
In our house, the response was, "No, my boyfriend's working late."
We are coming up on our thirty-seventh anniversary and we talk in code a lot. We do it without realizing and other times we do it very intentionally and for fun. One of our code words is boyfriend. It doesn't have any jealous, creepy, or angry connotations at our house. However, the nuances of its use are so expansive that I was at a loss when Greg asked about the boyfriend coming for supper.
I knew Greg was working late so I thought he just wanted some reassurance that I loved him. It's been a long few weeks at our house with work days stretching into the fourteen-hour range. We have seen each other at the crack of dawn and for about two minutes at night before exhaustion and a nasty cold have driven our eyes closed and our heads onto our pillows. Therefore, I delivered my quick response assuring him of his boyfriend status in my heart.
My response was meant to reassure and encourage. You are my boyfriend. You've been my boyfriend for most of the past thirty-seven years. Except for that one year where I would have traded you in if the opportunity presented itself, and the real-life times where you probably didn't want to be my boyfriend either. Back to the coded conversation. Alas, I didn't read the code correctly. The question had nothing to do this time with reassuring, flirting, teasing, or fun. It actually translated into, "You are defrosting a whole chicken. Did you forget I am not going to be home for supper?"
It took a while to get there. We went back and forth a bit until finally he got to the point about the whole chicken I was thawing. Getting to the meaning demanded attention and participation. There were no marriage dictionaries available translating random weird questions about boyfriends into thawing chicken scenarios. And one wonders would 't it have been much easier to just ask why I was thawing a whole chicken? Ah, but it wouldn't have been as much fun. The question wasn't random.
The question mentioned the boyfriend, a word used frequently in our house. Boyfriend has many meanings. Some days it means my work. Those are the days I receive a text about five o'clock asking if I have kicked the boyfriend out yet. Use of the word boyfriend sometimes signals I am not paying attention. We use it as an endearment, a reminder we need to be present for one another, and a mechanism for teasing.
I've never really thought about coded conversations before. But this one got my attention. Then a split second later my attention wandered over to another conversation I had recently. It happened in code as well. Every single one of you will recognize elements of this conversation.
"How are you doing?"
"I'm okay, yeah I'm good."
"That sounds overwhelmingly enthusiastic."
"It was."
The exchange was full of code. It happened over a phone without the benefit of eye contact and body language. It rang with a lonesome holler. Someone on the other end was not good, not okay, and building the battlements higher to protect from more assaults. An attempt at getting them to let the drawbridge down was met with stoicism. They may not have been in a physical setting that allowed for truth. They may not have felt safe enough with me to be truthful. They may have been taking the high road and not wanting to leave their junk on someone else's emotional doorstep.
The reasons we use code are many; some are legitimate others are destructive. When we use code in community and trust, it can expand and enhance our communication and our relationships. When we use code to separate ourselves from truth and others, we set ourselves up for loneliness and isolation. Listen to yourself and others, listen for the use of code. Learn to recognize it. Ask yourself whether code is bringing you into community or separating you from community. Be conscious of your use of code and curious about others use of code. Deciphering coded conversations demands we go all in. Let's crack the communication code and make our personal spheres better for it.
In our house, the response was, "No, my boyfriend's working late."
We are coming up on our thirty-seventh anniversary and we talk in code a lot. We do it without realizing and other times we do it very intentionally and for fun. One of our code words is boyfriend. It doesn't have any jealous, creepy, or angry connotations at our house. However, the nuances of its use are so expansive that I was at a loss when Greg asked about the boyfriend coming for supper.
I knew Greg was working late so I thought he just wanted some reassurance that I loved him. It's been a long few weeks at our house with work days stretching into the fourteen-hour range. We have seen each other at the crack of dawn and for about two minutes at night before exhaustion and a nasty cold have driven our eyes closed and our heads onto our pillows. Therefore, I delivered my quick response assuring him of his boyfriend status in my heart.
My response was meant to reassure and encourage. You are my boyfriend. You've been my boyfriend for most of the past thirty-seven years. Except for that one year where I would have traded you in if the opportunity presented itself, and the real-life times where you probably didn't want to be my boyfriend either. Back to the coded conversation. Alas, I didn't read the code correctly. The question had nothing to do this time with reassuring, flirting, teasing, or fun. It actually translated into, "You are defrosting a whole chicken. Did you forget I am not going to be home for supper?"
It took a while to get there. We went back and forth a bit until finally he got to the point about the whole chicken I was thawing. Getting to the meaning demanded attention and participation. There were no marriage dictionaries available translating random weird questions about boyfriends into thawing chicken scenarios. And one wonders would 't it have been much easier to just ask why I was thawing a whole chicken? Ah, but it wouldn't have been as much fun. The question wasn't random.
The question mentioned the boyfriend, a word used frequently in our house. Boyfriend has many meanings. Some days it means my work. Those are the days I receive a text about five o'clock asking if I have kicked the boyfriend out yet. Use of the word boyfriend sometimes signals I am not paying attention. We use it as an endearment, a reminder we need to be present for one another, and a mechanism for teasing.
I've never really thought about coded conversations before. But this one got my attention. Then a split second later my attention wandered over to another conversation I had recently. It happened in code as well. Every single one of you will recognize elements of this conversation.
"How are you doing?"
"I'm okay, yeah I'm good."
"That sounds overwhelmingly enthusiastic."
"It was."
The exchange was full of code. It happened over a phone without the benefit of eye contact and body language. It rang with a lonesome holler. Someone on the other end was not good, not okay, and building the battlements higher to protect from more assaults. An attempt at getting them to let the drawbridge down was met with stoicism. They may not have been in a physical setting that allowed for truth. They may not have felt safe enough with me to be truthful. They may have been taking the high road and not wanting to leave their junk on someone else's emotional doorstep.
The reasons we use code are many; some are legitimate others are destructive. When we use code in community and trust, it can expand and enhance our communication and our relationships. When we use code to separate ourselves from truth and others, we set ourselves up for loneliness and isolation. Listen to yourself and others, listen for the use of code. Learn to recognize it. Ask yourself whether code is bringing you into community or separating you from community. Be conscious of your use of code and curious about others use of code. Deciphering coded conversations demands we go all in. Let's crack the communication code and make our personal spheres better for it.
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